Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Some (more) casual observations

A couple of years back I wrote something of a guide to modern life in London. You should read it. It's  here and much better than this entry. Go on, I'll wait, it's fine.

Good wasn't it. Anyway as something of a continuation of the theme, a few more things have been bothering me lately, and in order to sort it out I've produced a list. Enjoy!
  1. Airport security. We all know that anyone with half a brain cell considers it little more than a farce to perpetrate an illusion of security, but when I'm being searched for knives, quizzed about if I've ever been a Nazi, and being swiftly relieved of my vicious looking bottle of mineral water, why has nobody ever asked if I'm a Ninja?
  2. Looting. Yes I've done this already, but I dropped into my local hardware shop last weekend and discovered that the shop next door had been looted. That shop was Argos. Who the hell loots a catalogue shop!?! It's not that it's clearly just bloody stupid, it's the fact that it's so stupid that you have to make a conscious effort to be that idiotic. I don't want to make too many assumptions, but if this is the class of criminal we have in the UK, then we need to be giving these kids TVs, as they clearly aren't watching enough episodes of Sesame Street as they're growing up.
  3. Mobile Phone signals on high speed trains. Just to state the bloody obvious, you are (unless you're traveling on South Eastern) moving at speed something faster than stationary. If your phone has no signal, moving it 4 inches closer to the window means nothing when during the time taken to do that you traveled countless times further in another direction. It does however make you look like an idiot.
  4. Product labels that attempt to talk to you. Wine, for the less observant amongst you, is a drink that comes in a bottle. It did not 'grow up' anywhere, it certainly wasn't raised, and I have very little interest in the way it was nurtured. But having a label that tells me all these things, in the first person, isn't so much 'connecting with your audience' as providing fuel for schizophrenics. Stop it. Immediately.
  5. Manly seating during rush hour. Now, I often sit with my legs apart because I'm sodding huge, and there's nowhere near enough room to sit with them straight ahead of me short of digging a hole in the seat in-front. You, I can almost guarantee, are nowhere near my size, so when you're sitting on rush hour transport doing your best John Wayne impression, no one is thinking of hour enormous your manhood must be as you mark your territory, they're thinking about where you got the rash that's making you sit so carefully. And if they weren't, they are now.
Finally, you know I know you didn't click that link at the top don't you. I can see who's been where, and I know you didn't click it. Bastards. Now, go back to the top, click the link, and remind yourself that when things get going this might actually be a good blog to read. Go on now, both of you.

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