Friday, 30 March 2012

Petrol hoarding peasants

A woman in somewhere called Yorkshire, has just been admitted to hospital suffering burns. Which is unfortunate. Well, it would be unfortunate until you start to take into account the rest of the story.  At which point you're left with a very different feeling.

So, how did this Kentucky Fried turn of events come to pass? Was there a gas leak that went bang after the electrics were switched on? Nope. Was there some other malfunction causing things to catch fire that she frantically tried to put out before any more damage could be done? Nope. Was there some kind of chip pan fire? Nope. Had the kids gotten to some matches that they shouldn't have and caused a disaster? Nope.

Any of those things, quite frankly, would have been entirely reasonable, and highly unfortunate. Tragically for the species however, none of there are remotely close to what actually happened.

So what did happen?

Well, on Wednesday it was announced that someone, somewhere, might, at some point, decide not to go to work for a few days. As such the Government, in what can only be described as diversionary tactics to stop everyone crying into their newly over priced pasties, decided that the only reasonable course of actions to remedy these entirely hypothetical events was to suggest that everyone rush out and buy as much fuel as humanly possible, just in case something imaginary were to take place before bed time.

So, as a result our northern rocket surgeon decided, after looking at these facts, that her best course of action was, much as herself, simple:
  1. Rush out to the nearest petrol emporium and panic buy fuel she didn't need
  2. Store as much of it as possible it in various things that weren't fuel tanks 
  3. Empty them out it in her kitchen
  4. Ensuring while doing this that the fucking cooker is switched on, and right next to her.
I'm guessing she doesn't list 'Science' among her GCSEs. In fact I'm guessing that by the time she got as far as 'G' in the alphabet she had to stop for a sit down that's lasted the best part of 20 years and counting.

Basically this is the intellectual equivalent of sticking your head in a lion's mouth and giving it a good hard slap on the bollocks just to see what happens. As for the rest of us; this is exactly what happens to society when we allow political correctness to stand in the way of natural selection. We have far, FAR, too many people in this country, thinning out the ranks of the morons can only ever be a good thing. If we keep treating them and pandering to these displays of rampant intellect we all know what will happen. Cyclists will continue to consider themselves special, South Eastern rail will continue to find employees, and the phrase 'may contain nuts' will still be considered an entirely reasonable use of packaging space that could otherwise have been filled with cute pictures of kittens.

So stop it, all of you! For the good of society, think twice before you help someone. Do this for just a year, and maybe, just maybe, we can resolve this whole lack of food and water thing, and start achieving something better than bureaucracy as a race.

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