Petrol hoarding peasants

A woman in somewhere called Yorkshire, has just been admitted to hospital suffering burns. Which is unfortunate. Well, it would be unfortunate until you start to take into account the rest of the story.  At which point you're left with a very different feeling.

So, how did this Kentucky Fried turn of events come to pass? Was there a gas leak that went bang after the electrics were switched on? Nope. Was there some other malfunction causing things to catch fire that she frantically tried to put out before any more damage could be done? Nope. Was there some kind of chip pan fire? Nope. Had the kids gotten to some matches that they shouldn't have and caused a disaster? Nope.

Any of those things, quite frankly, would have been entirely reasonable, and highly unfortunate. Tragically for the species however, none of there are remotely close to what actually happened.

So what did happen?

Well, on Wednesday it was announced that someone, somewhere, might, at some point, decide not to go to work for a few days. As such the Government, in what can only be described as diversionary tactics to stop everyone crying into their newly over priced pasties, decided that the only reasonable course of actions to remedy these entirely hypothetical events was to suggest that everyone rush out and buy as much fuel as humanly possible, just in case something imaginary were to take place before bed time.

So, as a result our northern rocket surgeon decided, after looking at these facts, that her best course of action was, much as herself, simple:

1. Rush out to the nearest petrol emporium and panic buy fuel she didn't need
2. Store as much of it as possible it in various things that weren't fuel tanks 
3. Empty them out it in her kitchen
4. Ensuring while doing this that the fucking cooker is switched on, and right next to her.

I'm guessing she doesn't list 'Science' among her GCSEs. In fact I'm guessing that by the time she got as far as 'G' in the alphabet she had to stop for a sit down that's lasted the best part of 20 years and counting.

Basically this is the intellectual equivalent of sticking your head in a lion's mouth and giving it a good hard slap on the bollocks just to see what happens. As for the rest of us; this is exactly what happens to society when we allow political correctness to stand in the way of natural selection. We have far, FAR, too many people in this country, thinning out the ranks of the morons can only ever be a good thing. If we keep treating them and pandering to these displays of rampant intellect we all know what will happen. Cyclists will continue to consider themselves special, South Eastern rail will continue to find employees, and the phrase 'may contain nuts' will still be considered an entirely reasonable use of packaging space that could otherwise have been filled with cute pictures of kittens.

So stop it, all of you! For the good of society, think twice before you help someone. Do this for just a year, and maybe, just maybe, we can resolve this whole lack of food and water thing, and start achieving something better than bureaucracy as a race.

Don't damn me

It’s a strange experience arguing security logic with the police. Particularly in the lifts at work. The real problem isn’t with the debate, it’s with the discovery that the person you’re debating it with is less intelligent than the chair I’m sitting in, and the fact that if you make them look too bad they’ll probably decide to cuff you and ship you to Cuba, anyway........

Let me set the scene, I work in the same building as a police training centre London. The security here is dire, and the security barriers can just be walked through by anyone over the height of about 6’4”. They’re also un-responsive and generally crap, so a lot of the time I just walk through them. I shouldn’t, but I do. The few people who notice me do this tend to laugh. Not once have I ever been told off for doing so, and I’ve been doing it for months. Until today. Today one of the police women from the training centre decided to have a go at me for “ruining the security of the entire building”. Fair enough to have a go at me, I’d been wondering how long it might take, but what followed was one of the most earth shattering failures to understand the basic concept of security that you’ve ever seen, and it went, a little something, like this (my thoughts in italics kids):

PW: “Did you just bust through that security barrier?”

Me: “Well, I walked through it yeah, I often don’t use my card because I don’t need to and the barriers are painfully slow to respond after people go through them.”

PW: “Can I see you pass then, I don’t believe you’ve got one.”

Me: “Sure.” Deciding to give her the benefit of the doubt over the fact that she just that second watched me use it to access the lift.

PW: “Do you realise you’re putting us all at risk by walking through the security barriers?”

Me: “I don’t really consider them security barriers if you can just walk through them, surely that somewhat defeats the point of having the barriers in the first place”

PW “I don’t care about that, you’ve just put us all in danger.”

Me: “Surely the fact that I ‘can’ do that is what puts us in danger, not the fact that I ‘did’ do that.”

PW:”I don’t care if you can do it, by not following security procedures we’re all at risk”

So, had I just used my pass like a good little automaton we’d all be dandy, and you’d be blissfully ignorant, but by pointing out a fundamental flaw in the process I’ve now endangered you? Oh I do beg to differ.....

Me, somewhat stunned by the logic: “I’ve done this hundreds of times...”

PW: “I don’t care how many times you’ve done it security procedures are there for a reason!”

WHAT! You just decided to complain to me about doing so and you’ve no interest in how many times I’ve done it. You’re talking about building security, and you’ve no interest what so ever in the fact that for several months I’ve been walking through security barriers completely unchecked, and the in all that time you’re the only person to EVER mention it?

You really have to worry. Ultimately she was right to have a go at me. But I’m a little more concerned that the Met’s finest decided that rather than flag their concerns with the security of the entire building, she decided that it was actually a personal issue entirely involving me. That’s not security, that’s idiocy.