Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Mirror mirror on the wall......

One thing I've learnt over the years, and through various different companies, is that somedays the best way of getting things done is to simply walk into the office and slap anyone I consider to be an idiot. The shock alone keeps them quiet long enough to improve the productivity of the rest of the team 10 fold. 

Today however, productivity across the nation was ruined by what can only be described as one of the most delusional narcissistic displays of idiocy that anyone has ever penned in the entirety of human history. I'm talking of course of Samantha Brick's detailed description of the hassle of her daily life as a self deified goddess.*

Sultry Samantha, once she was able to prise herself away from her own reflection this morning, took it upon herself to detail the precise pains she's had to indure as Britain's formost self appointed beauty queen. And I do mean great detail, not one to skimp on the information Scintillating Sam penned a post was so long and image laden that I had to nip to the gents twice for a combination of vomiting an onanism just to get through the whole thing!

Starting off with a genital baiting image of her wearing what can only be described as 'something mauve', she goes on to detail the hassle of the constant gifts she receives from total strangers, passers by feeling compelled to buy her train tickets, and people rushing across the street to pay her cab fare. In fact by the time she's finished with this part of the tale you're left with the feeling that Christmas in the Brick household must be seen as little more than a disappointing day off from the constant gifts she's receiving the rest of the time. To be honest it's a minor miracle she was able to see past all the bunches of flowers to her computer screen to even type the article.

It's not all constant gifts and praise though. Poor old Samantha finds herself a victim of her own beauty. Apparently her bosses generally don't like her because she's just so damn beautiful that distracts the men around her, and other women get all bitchy and say horrible things about her. Horrible things such as "there she goes, that daft bint with a delusional sense of her own self worth", and "where does she get off acting like she's better than everyone else?" It's like living in a waking nightmare. Apparently. Because in Sexy Sammy's world, anyone with an XX chromosome is literally seething with beauty based envy, and they're making her live a misery.

Then of course you dig a little deeper, and find that when Samantha's not being held back by being just so fucking gorgeous that nobody else can concentrate, she spending her time writing other articles, articles with titles like "I use my sex appeal to get ahead at work.... and so does ANY woman with any sense". Which is so spectacular on it's own that I'm not even going to pass comment on that.

So, because of you Samantha the entire nation wasted the majority of the day on one colossal 'you must be fucking kidding me' outburst. .

That, quite simply, was one of the most spectacular display's I think I'm ever likely to see.

*I'm not linking to the Daily Mail, every time someone does that they have to sponsor a child in some third world country to keep the Ying Yang in balance, and quite frankly it's getting ridiculous.


Sam apparently really doesn't get the point, as it seems that today she's decided that the entire internets unanimous declaration of "what the actual fuck?!?" that she witnessed yesterday was, unbeknown to literally ANYONE else, proving her point.

I'm genuinely impressed at this point, it takes a really special level of dedication to achieve this level of delusion. But then, when you write for a paper famed for being convinced that getting up in the morning gives you cancer, I'm not really sure that we should have expected anything less.

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