Wednesday, 28 September 2011

It's fun to fail at the Daily Mail

I love the Daily Mail, without it I have almost nothing to write about. It also makes me look rational, which is pleasing, if you happen to be one of my parents. It also, apparently, both causes and prevents Cancer in equal measure, so I figure it's good for my general Ying/Yang balance as well.

Warning Any links in this post will go to the Daily Mail, they're there to provide source material, I strongly suggest you don't click on them.

Anyway, a few recent tweets reminded me of the Daily Fail's Mail's campaign of the year, to strike fear into the hub of middle England by exposing the 'Gay Agenda'. Which, apparently, is ruining the country in much the same way as it did, well, okay, it didn't really did it. It didn't ruin anything that wasn't established by people expressly devoted to being ruined by such things, and we all know that secretly they were kind of pleased about it. But that's not the point. Apparently things have been ruined, and it's all the fault of the 'Gay Agenda'. Feeling terrified? No? Good, that just means you're not a complete tool. But carry on reading.

Anyway, how depressing must it be to be a Daily Mail approved Gay man and have to go through all your relationships in life with an agenda? Now, I don't know, well, anything much about Gay relationships really, not being inclined myself, but of those I've met that do know about such things, I've never once seen any of them wondering around with a clipboard, spreadsheet, and a strategic map of the British Isles. What the hell does the Mail think is going on in their bedrooms?

"Morning Steve" said Alan as the morning sun gently kissed his face through the gap in the curtains.
"Morning Alan" smiled Steve lovingly.
"Fancy a quickie before we get up?" pondered Alan, pouting suggestively.
"No time  I'm afraid schnukums*, I've got to be out of here by 8, I've got a busy day filing spurious law suits against previously wholesome family institutions in an effort to promote a culture of guilt amongst people who follow biological urges that differ slightly from our own. I might be able to squeeze one in around lunch time though?"
"Gah! I can't make it then, I have to undermine the justice system then, followed by some casual liberalisation of the national curriculum for the under 5s." (Argh panic! )
"Man, this sucks!" Sulked a disenchanted Steve.
"Well, actually Steve, it doesn't. But still, we can't let our biological urges undermine the efforts of the rest of the team. At this rate, according to my calculations....we'll be in Berlin by Christmas!"
"Excellent." Said both Alan and Steve in ominous unison.

Seriously, this is what the Daily Mail readers believe? Here's an idea, why don't we all focus on just not hating everyone for 5 minutes**, and try and focus on something a little more useful, like figuring out this global warming and food / air issues instead.

But, despite all this, do you know what the best thing is about the Daily Mail? I didn't even read an article before I wrote this. Honestly. I just came up with a few jokes, wrote most of this post, and Googled for a source later to fill in the the [FIND A LINK] gaps I'd left behind. So thank you to the Daily Mail, and Melanie Philips (I'm still assuming that she was involved as I write it now by the way), for being utterly, utterly appalling.

* I know nothing about pet names used by Gay people either
** Not me, obviously, then I'd have nothing to write about.

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