Thursday, 14 July 2011

Transformers 3: Review

Seeing as I'm trying to start using this properly now, and that it still remains devoid of any purpose other than me ranting unintelligible nonsense about whatever takes my fancy. Let's write a movie review!

So, Transformers 3. The film opens with a know what, screw it, giant robots from your childhood have a fight and stuff gets destroyed in an impressive manner, it doesn't exactly need a plot does it. Oh, hang on, apparently it does. Apparently it should have a plot involving a love story, jealousy, a young man desperately trying to find his way in the world, double crossing government agencies getting in the way, know, let's just cut to the chase; Transformers 3 is so bad that it might be worth buying the Blu Ray just to see Michael Bay begging for forgiveness for 90 minutes in the extras. Seriously, I created better story lines as a toddler playing with the toys with nothing but upturned dustbin and a curios cat for a backdrop than Michael Bay managed in 2.5 life shortening hours. Nobody, anywhere, ever, has gone to see a Transformers movie and sat there thinking "you know, giant robots destroying stuff is all well and good, but I came here for a damn love story!"

We've now reached the point where the phrase "a Michael Bay film" appearing at the end of a trailer isn't an endorsement, it's just Hollywood shorthand for "Oh for the love of God don't watch this! Please, bleach your eyes, bathe in acid, spend an evening replying to 'you may already have won' letters, do anything, but don't watch this film!"

And while I'm here, stop making films in sodding 3D. It adds N-O-T-H-I-N-G, it's not even amusing to see people sat there in all seriousness wearing comedy glasses anymore.

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