Vueling, ignoring, and passengers discrimination.

The other week I went to Spain via flights from Vueling. Spain was fantastic! Vueling however, have gone down in history as operating the most horrific planes I've experienced, and frankly, I get on a lot of planes. I'd never flown with then before (hell, I never even heard of them before), and having now done so twice the idea of a third flight is about as appealing as a romantic evening with Fred and Rose West. 

So, once I was back I decided to mention this on twitter, to which they replied and suggested I send them an e-mail with more details. I did. They ignored it completely. I can't imagine why. It's almost as though they might not like having to answer some of the questions I posed to them. Interesting.

So, for posterity, for their own publicity, and frankly as a guide to the world for how to write a complaint letter, here's what I sent to Vueling. Who knows, maybe they'll even have the common courtesy to reply once it's public. 

Enjoy!


"Last weekend I had the misfortune of getting my first flights with Vueling. On getting on the first place I discovered that not only could I not physically fit in the seat, but due to the position I would need to contort myself into to even come close to sitting down it meant that the customers either side of me were completely unable to use their tray tables for the entire flight. At fact that was quickly established once one of them rammed the metal bracket into my knee while trying to do so.

On my return flight the situation was so bad that I ended up sitting on the arm rest of my chair for the entire journey back to London. The crew were well aware of this, having already had struggled to get passed me with their trolly only to find that it was a physical impossibility for me to move out of their way, and gave me many apologetic looks.

Apparently though, the complex task of moving me to sit in one of the many free seats with extra legroom was "completely impossible" as I hadn't offered to pay an additional fare for the privilege of basic comfort.

Allow me to put this VERY simply. My height is genetic. Genetic in the same manner that my gender is. In the same manner that my skin colour is. In the same manner that any of countless disabilities are. They are not a choice. They are not a result of lifestyle choices. Your "kind offer" for me to pay more to have a basic level of comfort is discrimination. And no, before you attempt it; "common practice" amongst airlines does not prevent that statement from being true. I do however look forward to, and will expect you to explicitly address it in your response, lest this become a significantly more public blog post rather than an email, your explanation as to why you consider this to be acceptable.

Finally, you may have noticed that I've ignored the basic safety risks of being unable to sit on your planes. What would have happened had there been sudden turbulence (or worse) and I was injured due to the embarrassing state of your aircraft? Were I at my seat with no belt on then it would have been my fault. When your staff are repeatedly shrugging at me as they struggle to get passed me, it doesn't take an intellectual to establish that the blame would be entirely yours."

It's been 10 days, at the time of writing, that they've failed to reply. If Vueling ever do reply I'll be sure to update this and let you know how it goes.

The joys of air travel

As I type this I'm cruising at about 30'000 feet, (which is quite high, even by my standards) somewhere over Siberia, on what feels like a flight that could only get worse if the cabin crew asked us nicely if we wouldn't mind popping our arms out the window and flapping them up and down for a while.

Suffice to say, this, as with pretty much everything else on this blog, is going to be a bit ranty. So buckle up and get comfortable, as the emergency exits are only painted on, and you're going to be here for a while.

Air travel is shit. From the moment you get to the airport, to the second you leave the next one. You arrive at security where you're asked to strip practically naked, be casually groped by someone so unappealing that you're pretty much certain that their job satisfaction comes from a less than conventional angle, and then someone waves something scary at you, and empties your bag on the floor. Thus completing an experience that I was promised wouldn't happen again once I stopped  doing PE at school.

So why? Security apparently. They don't want you taking explosive death fluids on planes. Which, on the surface seems entirely reasonable, until you notice what they do with them. 

Once your vicious looking bottle of middle class mineral water has been removed for being the threat that it is, this, supposedly highly dangerous, and/or explosive mixture is, quite literally, thrown in a massive bin full of other explosive highly dangerous things right in front of you. Don't believe me? Then you've never flown from Gatwick. They literally fling all these potential bombs into one massive container, or super bomb if you will, right next to the security check point, and expect you not to realise that they're taking the piss. Frankly at that point they might as well drop their trousers and start slapping you in the face with something floppy and ask if you'll blindly accept that too.

Right now you might be thinking that it's for the greater good. Fair enough. You're an idiot, but at least you've made it easier for the rest of us to spot you. That of course is because the actual stupidity started 24 hours earlier with the concept of the 'online check-in'. Where we're basically asked by an inanimate object to promise not to put any nasties in our luggage, on what can at best be described as history's most laughable honor system. Let's face it, humanity stopped clicking on anything other than 'I agree' the second iTunes started its ceaseless T&Cs barrage, and nobody has ever used the Internet for anything that wasn't at best a mask for something morally dubious.

So, hand luggage is a mockery, checked in luggage is laughable, body scanners are staffed by perverts, and not once when I've been quizzed about bringing on any weapons or general pointy things with me has anyone ever asked if I'm a Ninja.

How's that secure feeling working out for you?

Lets get on the plane.

You're spending 12 hours on a metal tube hurtling through the sky. 60% of the other passengers are on day release, 20% are under the age of 5, and the remainder have locked themselves into the one working toilet. Then finally you find yourself sat next to someone who's last shower was apparently administered when they were walking under a window in Victorian London (that was clever, look it up if you don't get it). Then at some point a homosexual will ask you what you'd like to eat, pay literally no attention to your answer, and present you with something that looks like it was originally prepared in the mess room on the Ark, and has just this second been reheated for your culinary pleasure. What a treat!

This is usually the point where you give up, and turn to that last bastion of hope, the in flight entertainment system. In my case being one of the 5 people on this flight for whom it works, initially left me feeling immeasurably smug. But as I said, right now I'm writing a blog on a plane, and not, obviously, enjoying a selection of Hollywood hits. That, quite simply is due to one very simple thing. I clicked on 'movies' and the first thing it deemed to present me with were the words "Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Part 1."