Don't worry everyone, the government have fixed it again. Today they have announced that to cut obesity in the UK we need to put less food in our mouths, and exercise more. I'm so glad we live in a country where there are people employed to think of these things so we don't have to. If only there were a way I could donate more money to help them do more of this research.
We should be grateful though, without these people in charge it would fall on amateurs like me to point these things out. We're so
lucky to have Andrew Lansley to look after us instead. Chances are that without him Middlesborough
would have collapsed in on itself under it's own mass by now, and people would be modifying gym equipment to create food catapults to launch blancmange into the mouths of Jeremy Kyle viewers.
On the whole though, it's not all bad news. We do at least live in a largely sport obsessed country, that encourages some of the unhealthiest people imaginable to stuff half-cooked burgers into their mouths while shouting at the athletes in front of them that they aren't performing up to the crowd's standards. So at least the government haven't had to do all the hard work here.
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Monday, 10 October 2011
Your lack of privacy is your own fault
Lists, and Circles. Two words that should have sod all to do with each other.
These days however, they're the latest examples of humanity's new found desire to open every essence of their being to world + dog, but under the false protection of some overly complicated means of self filtering.
Ladies and gentlemen, the sentence you've just read, is, quite simply, utter crap. It's a relatively fair bet that if you're reading this you've got an account on Facebook, Google +, or both. Which means you've been incensed by their crazy new privacy policies, and failed utterly to come to terms with the fact that they're free services, of which you are in no way obliged to use, that exist (in your terms) to allow you to share things with people easily, and (in their terms) to develop a massive marketing knowledge base to monetize your lives and sell advertising space, and incredibly specific market data.
Put simply, there is only one filter you need ever use online. Common bloody sense. The question is easy; Do you want everyone to be able to see something? If the answer isn't yes, then don't post it. Don't sit there thinking you can protect it by creating some complicated filters. You won't, you'll fuck up, you'll move someone, forget to use one of them, or, if you have more than about 25 friends, forget who is in them.
Don't think that by not having people as friends you're protecting yourself either. You can still screw the same things up as above and make something public, but more importantly, it takes less time for me to copy your drunken, embarrassing, semi nude photos, that you may not have even put up yourself, than it took for me to type this sentence. And once I've done that you're fucked. Most of the time I probably don't even need to know you to do it either.
A few weeks back I got a random postcard delivered to my flat from some guy on holiday, declaring his love for a girl that didn't live there, with whom he'd presumably had some holiday romance with. I'd never met either of them, and had no idea who they were.
Within 5 minutes, and using nothing but two first names, a date and the location of a holiday (postmarks are useful here) I'd found both of them on Facebook. I also learnt that she had a boyfriend, who had a decidedly different name to the guy who sent the postcard. It doesn't take much to think about what I could have done there.
So remember, if you're worried about people being able to see things that you'd rather they didn't online. You volunteered for this.
Thursday, 6 October 2011
RIP Steve Jobs
I wouldn't do this normally, i'm not the type of person for writing obituaries, and in this case i'm certainly not qualified to write this one either. But thinking about it over the course of the day, the impact Steve Jobs has had on almost everything that uses electricity in my place is staggering. And I'm not just talking about the Apple products.
His attitude to technology, and his drive to deliver the simplest, most effective, and most beautiful, technology on the planet has literally set the standard that all electronics companies have to follow. And I mean HAVE to follow. No longer is it good enough to provide something incredibly clever, and enter a market on that alone, you can no longer produce something that looks average, and get by because behind the scenes it's actually rather good. These days you have to strike for excellence across the board. Apple did that, and Steve made Apple do that. Steve Jobs didn't so much as raise the bar, he invented an entirely new unit of measurement on which to base the bar.
It's impossible to know what the future will be for Apple in the long term, or for any of it's competitors. But if Steve is to have one lasting legacy, I hope it's that no matter what people do with their lives, they should do what the love, and do things to excel in them. Steve, through Apple and Pixar, showed the world what can be done with that attitude, let's hope the rest of us can keep the idea rolling.
His attitude to technology, and his drive to deliver the simplest, most effective, and most beautiful, technology on the planet has literally set the standard that all electronics companies have to follow. And I mean HAVE to follow. No longer is it good enough to provide something incredibly clever, and enter a market on that alone, you can no longer produce something that looks average, and get by because behind the scenes it's actually rather good. These days you have to strike for excellence across the board. Apple did that, and Steve made Apple do that. Steve Jobs didn't so much as raise the bar, he invented an entirely new unit of measurement on which to base the bar.
It's impossible to know what the future will be for Apple in the long term, or for any of it's competitors. But if Steve is to have one lasting legacy, I hope it's that no matter what people do with their lives, they should do what the love, and do things to excel in them. Steve, through Apple and Pixar, showed the world what can be done with that attitude, let's hope the rest of us can keep the idea rolling.
 |
| RIP Steve Jobs |
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
It's fun to fail at the Daily Mail
I love the Daily Mail, without it I have almost nothing to write about. It also makes me look rational, which is pleasing, if you happen to be one of my parents. It also, apparently, both causes and prevents Cancer in equal measure, so I figure it's good for my general Ying/Yang balance as well.
Anyway, a few recent tweets reminded me of the DailyFail's Mail's campaign of the year, to strike fear into the hub of middle England by exposing the 'Gay Agenda'. Which, apparently, is ruining the country in much the same way as it did, well, okay, it didn't really did it. It didn't ruin anything that wasn't established by people expressly devoted to being ruined by such things, and we all know that secretly they were kind of pleased about it. But that's not the point. Apparently things have been ruined, and it's all the fault of the 'Gay Agenda'. Feeling terrified? No? Good, that just means you're not a complete tool. But carry on reading.
Anyway, how depressing must it be to be a Daily Mail approved Gay man and have to go through all your relationships in life with an agenda? Now, I don't know, well, anything much about Gay relationships really, not being inclined myself, but of those I've met that do know about such things, I've never once seen any of them wondering around with a clipboard, spreadsheet, and a strategic map of the British Isles. What the hell does the Mail think is going on in their bedrooms?
"Morning Steve" said Alan as the morning sun gently kissed his face through the gap in the curtains.
"Morning Alan" smiled Steve lovingly.
"Fancy a quickie before we get up?" pondered Alan, pouting suggestively.
"No time I'm afraid schnukums*, I've got to be out of here by 8, I've got a busy day filing spurious law suits against previously wholesome family institutions in an effort to promote a culture of guilt amongst people who follow biological urges that differ slightly from our own. I might be able to squeeze one in around lunch time though?"
"Gah! I can't make it then, I have to undermine the justice system then, followed by some casual liberalisation of the national curriculum for the under 5s." (Argh panic! )
"Man, this sucks!" Sulked a disenchanted Steve.
"Well, actually Steve, it doesn't. But still, we can't let our biological urges undermine the efforts of the rest of the team. At this rate, according to my calculations....we'll be in Berlin by Christmas!"
"Excellent." Said both Alan and Steve in ominous unison.
Seriously, this is what the Daily Mail readers believe? Here's an idea, why don't we all focus on just not hating everyone for 5 minutes**, and try and focus on something a little more useful, like figuring out this global warming and food / air issues instead.
But, despite all this, do you know what the best thing is about the Daily Mail? I didn't even read an article before I wrote this. Honestly. I just came up with a few jokes, wrote most of this post, and Googled for a source later to fill in the the [FIND A LINK] gaps I'd left behind. So thank you to the Daily Mail, and Melanie Philips (I'm still assuming that she was involved as I write it now by the way), for being utterly, utterly appalling.
* I know nothing about pet names used by Gay people either
** Not me, obviously, then I'd have nothing to write about.
Warning Any links in this post will go to the Daily Mail, they're there to provide source material, I strongly suggest you don't click on them.
Anyway, a few recent tweets reminded me of the Daily
Anyway, how depressing must it be to be a Daily Mail approved Gay man and have to go through all your relationships in life with an agenda? Now, I don't know, well, anything much about Gay relationships really, not being inclined myself, but of those I've met that do know about such things, I've never once seen any of them wondering around with a clipboard, spreadsheet, and a strategic map of the British Isles. What the hell does the Mail think is going on in their bedrooms?
"Morning Steve" said Alan as the morning sun gently kissed his face through the gap in the curtains.
"Morning Alan" smiled Steve lovingly.
"Fancy a quickie before we get up?" pondered Alan, pouting suggestively.
"No time I'm afraid schnukums*, I've got to be out of here by 8, I've got a busy day filing spurious law suits against previously wholesome family institutions in an effort to promote a culture of guilt amongst people who follow biological urges that differ slightly from our own. I might be able to squeeze one in around lunch time though?"
"Gah! I can't make it then, I have to undermine the justice system then, followed by some casual liberalisation of the national curriculum for the under 5s." (Argh panic! )
"Man, this sucks!" Sulked a disenchanted Steve.
"Well, actually Steve, it doesn't. But still, we can't let our biological urges undermine the efforts of the rest of the team. At this rate, according to my calculations....we'll be in Berlin by Christmas!"
"Excellent." Said both Alan and Steve in ominous unison.
Seriously, this is what the Daily Mail readers believe? Here's an idea, why don't we all focus on just not hating everyone for 5 minutes**, and try and focus on something a little more useful, like figuring out this global warming and food / air issues instead.
But, despite all this, do you know what the best thing is about the Daily Mail? I didn't even read an article before I wrote this. Honestly. I just came up with a few jokes, wrote most of this post, and Googled for a source later to fill in the the [FIND A LINK] gaps I'd left behind. So thank you to the Daily Mail, and Melanie Philips (I'm still assuming that she was involved as I write it now by the way), for being utterly, utterly appalling.
* I know nothing about pet names used by Gay people either
** Not me, obviously, then I'd have nothing to write about.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Plugged in, switched off, and out of jail
According to the BBC (here), the iPod might be responsible for making people antisocial. What with us all getting about locked in our own personal bubbles and switching off from the rest of the world. This is, quite naturally, complete drivel.
While it's true that you can't get on the tube these days without a cacophony of sound coming from cheap shitty Apple earphones being used by the fashion statement, rather than music fan, crowd. None of them have been made antisocial by it. What's made them antisocial is the realisation that those little white ear phones are essentially keeping them out of jail.
Have you even tried to take public transport? Between the number of people who think the entire carriage need to hear their phone conversation, kids too poor for headphones playing music no one asked for, women so perplexed by alarm clocks that they feel they're entitled to use a bus as their surrogate bathroom to make up for lost time, (I've even seen one woman clipping her nails and throwing the bits she hacked off her own body onto the floor) why the hell wouldn't anyone want to switch off from this filth?
If I sat down next to you at work and emptied the contents of my razor into your lap, you'd quite rightly punch me in the face. But apparently, do something similar on public transport, and it's just peachy.
If that's not enough of a reason, then think about the beggars and soap dodgers lying to you about needing money for a hostel, Chuggers trying to get you to sponsor their existence under the guise of saving a distraught unicorn, tourists who don't know how a map works, and, finally, street preachers who think their particular brand of cloud fairy has compelled them to piss off as many people as humanly possible under the firm believe that being insanely irritating is the key to the kind of mass conversations that would have made David Koresh feel impotent.
Quite frankly leaving the house in the morning is a bloody nightmare. Putting some earphones in and legitimately being able to ignore this never ending stream of window lickers is pretty much the only reason that London isn't synonymous with the kind of mass public executions that it so sorely needs.
So, if you're sitting there thinking someone listening to music means you feel you can't ask them for directions, then remember; if they weren't listening to them, and you asked them, you'd probably get shot.
While it's true that you can't get on the tube these days without a cacophony of sound coming from cheap shitty Apple earphones being used by the fashion statement, rather than music fan, crowd. None of them have been made antisocial by it. What's made them antisocial is the realisation that those little white ear phones are essentially keeping them out of jail.
Have you even tried to take public transport? Between the number of people who think the entire carriage need to hear their phone conversation, kids too poor for headphones playing music no one asked for, women so perplexed by alarm clocks that they feel they're entitled to use a bus as their surrogate bathroom to make up for lost time, (I've even seen one woman clipping her nails and throwing the bits she hacked off her own body onto the floor) why the hell wouldn't anyone want to switch off from this filth?
If I sat down next to you at work and emptied the contents of my razor into your lap, you'd quite rightly punch me in the face. But apparently, do something similar on public transport, and it's just peachy.
If that's not enough of a reason, then think about the beggars and soap dodgers lying to you about needing money for a hostel, Chuggers trying to get you to sponsor their existence under the guise of saving a distraught unicorn, tourists who don't know how a map works, and, finally, street preachers who think their particular brand of cloud fairy has compelled them to piss off as many people as humanly possible under the firm believe that being insanely irritating is the key to the kind of mass conversations that would have made David Koresh feel impotent.
Quite frankly leaving the house in the morning is a bloody nightmare. Putting some earphones in and legitimately being able to ignore this never ending stream of window lickers is pretty much the only reason that London isn't synonymous with the kind of mass public executions that it so sorely needs.
So, if you're sitting there thinking someone listening to music means you feel you can't ask them for directions, then remember; if they weren't listening to them, and you asked them, you'd probably get shot.
Thursday, 22 September 2011
Dating site morons
A friend of mine has started cataloging the terror that comes from being a female in the world of online dating.
As for the rest of us? Well, we can sit here quietly content that no matter what else happens in our lives, we're doing a lot better than her "contributors" will.
You can follow her adventures right here at Dating Site Morons
As for the rest of us? Well, we can sit here quietly content that no matter what else happens in our lives, we're doing a lot better than her "contributors" will.
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Angry Birds has become a disease
Up until recently I was a massive fan of Angry Birds. As in the game, or, to simplify somewhat, I was a fan of what Angry Birds actually is. A game. It's fun, simple, clever, and a good time filler when you're trying to blank out the indistinguishable shit being pumped out of tiny cheap phone speakers on the bus by people too poor to afford headphones.
I even branched out.... (yup, that was deliberate. I'll leave this sentence for a bit now so you can finish groaning.)
Done? Cool. Carrying on then....
I even branched out and got one of the plush toys as a gift a while back as well. Not for me obviously. I'm a bloke, I need plush toys about as much as I need sodding cushions. But to those though, I kinda thought fair enough really. No, nobody anywhere needs them, but they're kinda funny, and not exactly going to push me into poverty and a life of Pot Noodle consumption. But it's gone past the point of some cute merchandise, and been flung headlong (yup, again) into lunacy.
We now have film tie in's, based solely on the presence of anything with feathers.
Seasonal games, which, curiously, currently includes 7 different seasons. Presumably the Dev team are committing their code from sodding Narnia for that to make sense.
There's even an Angry Birds theme park in China. Seriously, what the hell kind of rides does that have? Unless it's just a gate that opens to a giant catapult launching morons into buildings then what the hell is it for? It's not even officially licensed, so we can't blame Rovio for it either.
And finally, we have a nebula. Yes, that's not a mistake, we now have an Angry Birds nebula. You can read about it here. But for the lazier amongst you who only really use the internet to look at various forms of pictures just scroll down.
There was a very good quote that I can't remember the source for a while back that went along the lines of. "In the 60's Nasa sent men to the Moon with less technology than is currently in your mobile phone. Today we use that technology to fire Birds into Pigs." It's all gone hideously, hideously wrong.
I even branched out.... (yup, that was deliberate. I'll leave this sentence for a bit now so you can finish groaning.)
Done? Cool. Carrying on then....
I even branched out and got one of the plush toys as a gift a while back as well. Not for me obviously. I'm a bloke, I need plush toys about as much as I need sodding cushions. But to those though, I kinda thought fair enough really. No, nobody anywhere needs them, but they're kinda funny, and not exactly going to push me into poverty and a life of Pot Noodle consumption. But it's gone past the point of some cute merchandise, and been flung headlong (yup, again) into lunacy.
We now have film tie in's, based solely on the presence of anything with feathers.
Seasonal games, which, curiously, currently includes 7 different seasons. Presumably the Dev team are committing their code from sodding Narnia for that to make sense.
There's even an Angry Birds theme park in China. Seriously, what the hell kind of rides does that have? Unless it's just a gate that opens to a giant catapult launching morons into buildings then what the hell is it for? It's not even officially licensed, so we can't blame Rovio for it either.
And finally, we have a nebula. Yes, that's not a mistake, we now have an Angry Birds nebula. You can read about it here. But for the lazier amongst you who only really use the internet to look at various forms of pictures just scroll down.
There was a very good quote that I can't remember the source for a while back that went along the lines of. "In the 60's Nasa sent men to the Moon with less technology than is currently in your mobile phone. Today we use that technology to fire Birds into Pigs." It's all gone hideously, hideously wrong.
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