Seeing as I'm trying to start using this properly now, and that it still remains devoid of any purpose other than me ranting unintelligible nonsense about whatever takes my fancy. Let's write a movie review!
So, Transformers 3. The film opens with a dramatic.....you know what, screw it, giant robots from your childhood have a fight and stuff gets destroyed in an impressive manner, it doesn't exactly need a plot does it. Oh, hang on, apparently it does. Apparently it should have a plot involving a love story, jealousy, a young man desperately trying to find his way in the world, double crossing government agencies getting in the way, and....you know, let's just cut to the chase; Transformers 3 is so bad that it might be worth buying the Blu Ray just to see Michael Bay begging for forgiveness for 90 minutes in the extras. Seriously, I created better story lines as a toddler playing with the toys with nothing but upturned dustbin and a curios cat for a backdrop than Michael Bay managed in 2.5 life shortening hours. Nobody, anywhere, ever, has gone to see a Transformers movie and sat there thinking "you know, giant robots destroying stuff is all well and good, but I came here for a damn love story!"
We've now reached the point where the phrase "a Michael Bay film" appearing at the end of a trailer isn't an endorsement, it's just Hollywood shorthand for "Oh for the love of God don't watch this! Please, bleach your eyes, bathe in acid, spend an evening replying to 'you may already have won' letters, do anything, but don't watch this film!"
And while I'm here, stop making films in sodding 3D. It adds N-O-T-H-I-N-G, it's not even amusing to see people sat there in all seriousness wearing comedy glasses anymore.
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Olympic Underground, a point for common sense
So, in a fit of alarming common sense the 2012 Olympic crowd think it will be a good idea to have volunteers working at Tube Stations across London to help point the lost masses in the right direction. This, somewhat obviously, is a good move. It'd be a better move if they found volunteers who spoke additional languages to just English, but this is London, so they'd probably just refuse to speak anything else anyway. But it's still a good idea none the less. After all, every Londoner knows that tourists are a monolithic pain in the arse at the best of times, and that for reasons known only to themselves, the rest of the world seems to think that blocking an escalator, ticket barrier, or doorway to read a map in the middle of rush hour is a display of abject genius. So having someone standing under a big sign miles away from an escalator saying 'Tourist Info' is a big win. It'll be like Moths to a flame.
Unless of course you're Bob Crow and the RMT. They apparently think it's an enormous safety risk for anyone other than their highly trained staff to even speak in a tube station, let alone go so far as to offer to help someone. But then these are the same people who think that crowding London's roads with cars, and delaying the emergency services by going on strike is an acceptable means of promoting safety. Interesting concept isn't it. Incidentally, here's a much better blog post about what happens to the emergency services when LU decides to call a unilateral public holiday: Nee Naw Ambulance Service Blog
Of course what the RMT are really worried about here though isn't passenger safety, it never has been, otherwise the Nee Naw blog link wouldn't exist. They're worried that by allowing volunteers to help people by providing directions and info people will come to expect something that passes for useful information on the tube. That means that standards will be raised to an alarmingly mediocre level, and the general public will be presented with the reality of just how replaceable the majority of staff are on the Underground.
They're worried that when untrained volunteers turn out to be more useful than their "highly trained" staff, that people will realise that perhaps paying for people to stand next to a ticket barrier all day ignoring passengers isn't really an acceptable use of public money. And that the services they do offer could essentially be performed by a 4 year old with rudimentary reading and writing skills, and the ability to formulate something not entirely dissimilar to a sentence.
They're worried that when people realise that LU staff are essentially getting paid decent sums of money and offering us little more than 3rd rate transport network famous across the globe for its over inflated prices and unreliability, and that they then spend half the year on strike that the last threads of sympathy and legitimacy for the RMT's 'arguments' will evaporate over night. And if that happens who'll stand up for Tube Drivers who get fired for endangering the lives of all their passengers by driving a train while drunk?
So bring on the volunteers, and help wave goodbye to the RMT and it's institutionalized delusions.
Unless of course you're Bob Crow and the RMT. They apparently think it's an enormous safety risk for anyone other than their highly trained staff to even speak in a tube station, let alone go so far as to offer to help someone. But then these are the same people who think that crowding London's roads with cars, and delaying the emergency services by going on strike is an acceptable means of promoting safety. Interesting concept isn't it. Incidentally, here's a much better blog post about what happens to the emergency services when LU decides to call a unilateral public holiday: Nee Naw Ambulance Service Blog
Of course what the RMT are really worried about here though isn't passenger safety, it never has been, otherwise the Nee Naw blog link wouldn't exist. They're worried that by allowing volunteers to help people by providing directions and info people will come to expect something that passes for useful information on the tube. That means that standards will be raised to an alarmingly mediocre level, and the general public will be presented with the reality of just how replaceable the majority of staff are on the Underground.
They're worried that when untrained volunteers turn out to be more useful than their "highly trained" staff, that people will realise that perhaps paying for people to stand next to a ticket barrier all day ignoring passengers isn't really an acceptable use of public money. And that the services they do offer could essentially be performed by a 4 year old with rudimentary reading and writing skills, and the ability to formulate something not entirely dissimilar to a sentence.
They're worried that when people realise that LU staff are essentially getting paid decent sums of money and offering us little more than 3rd rate transport network famous across the globe for its over inflated prices and unreliability, and that they then spend half the year on strike that the last threads of sympathy and legitimacy for the RMT's 'arguments' will evaporate over night. And if that happens who'll stand up for Tube Drivers who get fired for endangering the lives of all their passengers by driving a train while drunk?
So bring on the volunteers, and help wave goodbye to the RMT and it's institutionalized delusions.
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
Social Experiments, with Swords
Every Monday I engage in something of a social experiment on route to the London Longsword Academy at the Barbican. I make my way through London with my (nylon plastic) training sword in plain view of every Tom, Dick and Harry who happens to pass by.
Naturally I get even more odd looks than normal (measured by the fact that I actually notice them) as people stare wondering what the hell I'm holding. Which is of course the problem. As every Monday what I'm actually doing is experiencing just how deluded people are.
Now, they don't know it's a sword, I deliberately remove the cross guard so it looks less scary, and it's White, and it's not made of metal, and I'm holding it by the "blade". Making it pretty obvious that it's either not sharp, or I'm an utter moron and desperately trying to relieve myself of a limb. But gradually it tends to dawn on most people what it is.
This however, just doesn't compute for the average Londoner. People will literally stare at it as though there's something deeply weird and odd about a man holding a long plastic thing. Turn up at midday Gothed up for the night with spikes all over your clothes and it's unlikely anyone in London will notice, rock up at the end of the day with a training sword and some sports gear and they think you're about to embark on a one man crusade down the Victoria Line. The point of course is simple; the other day I sat next to a guy on the tube with a bag of Golf Clubs. No one batted an eyelid, the same goes for Tennis Rackets and other sports kit. Sit there with a guy wearing his army gear on the way home and nobody cares that he's been well trained in various forms of armed and unarmed combat. Someone walks on wearing clothes that marks them out as a martial artist and nobody minds. But sit there with a plastic sword and they think you're mental, and you can see them weighing up the options about calling the Police.
So for those of you who get scared by that, here's a quick lesson. Practically everything is a weapon in the wrong hands. Sports gear, your weekly shopping, a rolled up magazine, a mobile phone, jewellery, literally anything. And lets not forget the afore mentioned martial arts crowd (who NEVER get questioned at airport security by the way). So, the point is, if you want to give me worried looks on a weekly basis fine, but you might want to contemplate if it's ever worth leaving the house again afterwards as well. Because if what you can see in plain sight scares you, then the stuff you can't see clearly must keep you awake at night.
Anyone who wants to know more about European Martial Arts / Sword Fighting in London, please point yourselves in this direction: http://fightmedieval.com/
Naturally I get even more odd looks than normal (measured by the fact that I actually notice them) as people stare wondering what the hell I'm holding. Which is of course the problem. As every Monday what I'm actually doing is experiencing just how deluded people are.
Now, they don't know it's a sword, I deliberately remove the cross guard so it looks less scary, and it's White, and it's not made of metal, and I'm holding it by the "blade". Making it pretty obvious that it's either not sharp, or I'm an utter moron and desperately trying to relieve myself of a limb. But gradually it tends to dawn on most people what it is.
This however, just doesn't compute for the average Londoner. People will literally stare at it as though there's something deeply weird and odd about a man holding a long plastic thing. Turn up at midday Gothed up for the night with spikes all over your clothes and it's unlikely anyone in London will notice, rock up at the end of the day with a training sword and some sports gear and they think you're about to embark on a one man crusade down the Victoria Line. The point of course is simple; the other day I sat next to a guy on the tube with a bag of Golf Clubs. No one batted an eyelid, the same goes for Tennis Rackets and other sports kit. Sit there with a guy wearing his army gear on the way home and nobody cares that he's been well trained in various forms of armed and unarmed combat. Someone walks on wearing clothes that marks them out as a martial artist and nobody minds. But sit there with a plastic sword and they think you're mental, and you can see them weighing up the options about calling the Police.
So for those of you who get scared by that, here's a quick lesson. Practically everything is a weapon in the wrong hands. Sports gear, your weekly shopping, a rolled up magazine, a mobile phone, jewellery, literally anything. And lets not forget the afore mentioned martial arts crowd (who NEVER get questioned at airport security by the way). So, the point is, if you want to give me worried looks on a weekly basis fine, but you might want to contemplate if it's ever worth leaving the house again afterwards as well. Because if what you can see in plain sight scares you, then the stuff you can't see clearly must keep you awake at night.
Anyone who wants to know more about European Martial Arts / Sword Fighting in London, please point yourselves in this direction: http://fightmedieval.com/
Saturday, 9 July 2011
Read all about it
Watching the News of the World story these past few days has been little more than watching a train wreck in motion.
Let's get one thing clear from the off. I think the News of the World was shit. It was gutter journalism that did nothing but seek out scandal and embarass valueless celebrities to fuel what can only be described as the most embarassing part of British society. It's target audience was the type of person who has to use velcro instead of laces if they ever want to leave the house every day, and I wont for a single second miss it. The same incedentally goes for the likes of the Sun as well, but that's beside the point. The events that followed though are a reflection of everything that's wrong with the western world. The Murdochs' response was so arrogant as to have the nerve to claim that they were impressed by Rebekah Brooks integrity and morals, and to be able to say that and keep a straight face was unbelieveable. So while I'm happy to see the News of the World off the shelves, and let's face it, nobody was ever going to buy it or advertise in it again, the approach of sacking the staff who are there now, and ignoring the cause of the problem is insulting to the intelligence of everyone.
We don't need time to analyse Brooks' excuses that she was on holiday every time someone hacked a phone, it's akin to being told the dog ate the kids' homework. Nobody alive with an education that prevents them from trying to walk through panes of glass is going to believe that, but it all points back to the same thing. Arrogance. News International seem to genuinely believe that they can do whatever they want with no consequences. It's the most glaringly obvious display of absolute power in the modern world that anyone's ever seen. As I type an ex-NotW Journo is tweeting while Rebekah Brooks announces she won't be leaving, and we discover that apparently Rupert Murdoch is angry with David Cameron for having the nerve to investigate him. Who the hell is allowed enough power that they can criticise a Prime Minister for launching an investigation into the continually illgeal and immoral actions of their own organisation? And don't forget when Murdoch's not happy with the PM that's the same as threatening to bring down a government.
The best thing to come from this week hasn't been the death of the NotW though, it's been the example that Twitter has set for showing the likes of Murdoch and Brooks, and countless others who are no doubt bricking it at the moment that it's the people who ultimately get to be the judge. The days of media giants dictating what the world sees and thinks are coming to an end. The citizen journalists are providing warts and all opinions and evidence of anything that the powers that be don't like, and are begining to realise just how much they can do. We're seeing this in Athens with footage of incredible Police violence that makes the Ian Tomlinson case look like a playground scrap, and we're seeing this in the UK with the forced humiliation of the Murdochs and Brooks (regardless of what happens with their jobs). Yes, the likes of Twitter and YouTube are in their early days at this, and mistakes and lynch mobs are making mistakes, but weeks like this have shown us that there is still a light at the end of the tunnel, and with luck that light will be showing us the end of the likes of Rebekah Brooks by the time the weekend is over.
Let's get one thing clear from the off. I think the News of the World was shit. It was gutter journalism that did nothing but seek out scandal and embarass valueless celebrities to fuel what can only be described as the most embarassing part of British society. It's target audience was the type of person who has to use velcro instead of laces if they ever want to leave the house every day, and I wont for a single second miss it. The same incedentally goes for the likes of the Sun as well, but that's beside the point. The events that followed though are a reflection of everything that's wrong with the western world. The Murdochs' response was so arrogant as to have the nerve to claim that they were impressed by Rebekah Brooks integrity and morals, and to be able to say that and keep a straight face was unbelieveable. So while I'm happy to see the News of the World off the shelves, and let's face it, nobody was ever going to buy it or advertise in it again, the approach of sacking the staff who are there now, and ignoring the cause of the problem is insulting to the intelligence of everyone.
We don't need time to analyse Brooks' excuses that she was on holiday every time someone hacked a phone, it's akin to being told the dog ate the kids' homework. Nobody alive with an education that prevents them from trying to walk through panes of glass is going to believe that, but it all points back to the same thing. Arrogance. News International seem to genuinely believe that they can do whatever they want with no consequences. It's the most glaringly obvious display of absolute power in the modern world that anyone's ever seen. As I type an ex-NotW Journo is tweeting while Rebekah Brooks announces she won't be leaving, and we discover that apparently Rupert Murdoch is angry with David Cameron for having the nerve to investigate him. Who the hell is allowed enough power that they can criticise a Prime Minister for launching an investigation into the continually illgeal and immoral actions of their own organisation? And don't forget when Murdoch's not happy with the PM that's the same as threatening to bring down a government.
The best thing to come from this week hasn't been the death of the NotW though, it's been the example that Twitter has set for showing the likes of Murdoch and Brooks, and countless others who are no doubt bricking it at the moment that it's the people who ultimately get to be the judge. The days of media giants dictating what the world sees and thinks are coming to an end. The citizen journalists are providing warts and all opinions and evidence of anything that the powers that be don't like, and are begining to realise just how much they can do. We're seeing this in Athens with footage of incredible Police violence that makes the Ian Tomlinson case look like a playground scrap, and we're seeing this in the UK with the forced humiliation of the Murdochs and Brooks (regardless of what happens with their jobs). Yes, the likes of Twitter and YouTube are in their early days at this, and mistakes and lynch mobs are making mistakes, but weeks like this have shown us that there is still a light at the end of the tunnel, and with luck that light will be showing us the end of the likes of Rebekah Brooks by the time the weekend is over.
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Twitter joke trial
Several things in this world literally make no sense. When checking in at an airport they'll check you for guns, knives, and bombs, but nobody ever asks if you're a Ninja, and that off the cuff comments on the net can now make you a terrorist.
Well, they can if your name is Paul Chambers and you happen to be stuck facing the criminally inept CPS. For those not paying attention to the interwebs lately, the good Mr Chambers was crazy enough to vent some frustration at this country's inability to function under anything less than perfect conditions on Twitter, and was swiftly arrested for his trouble. You see when I tweet to say "Right, that's it, I'm going to kill everyone", that's just dandy, but if I tweet to say "Crap! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!" that's not. And don't go pointing out the latter even includes context as either, there's no place for common sense around these parts! Incidentally I CAN say that here as I used quotation marks, miss them out and it's £1000 fine and soap on a rope for Christmas. So be careful when you start hitting that copy/paste function.
A much better summary of events can be found here and here But in essence what this means is that the CPS found it in the public interest to prosecute someone, based on that 1 tweet, and a history of doing nothing wrong what-so-ever. A policy which pretty much means that anyone who's ever used a Social Network of any sort in their life is in for a criminal record.
Luckily the public themselves have also decided that what is actually in their best interest, having footed the bill for the trial anyway, is to put their hands into their pockets once more, and also foot the bill for the fine and legal costs. What exactly that does to the CPS's wonderful version of 'Public Interest' is unknown. But in my world the public just put the CPS on trial and found them wanting in a pathetically embarrassing way.
Well, they can if your name is Paul Chambers and you happen to be stuck facing the criminally inept CPS. For those not paying attention to the interwebs lately, the good Mr Chambers was crazy enough to vent some frustration at this country's inability to function under anything less than perfect conditions on Twitter, and was swiftly arrested for his trouble. You see when I tweet to say "Right, that's it, I'm going to kill everyone", that's just dandy, but if I tweet to say "Crap! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!" that's not. And don't go pointing out the latter even includes context as either, there's no place for common sense around these parts! Incidentally I CAN say that here as I used quotation marks, miss them out and it's £1000 fine and soap on a rope for Christmas. So be careful when you start hitting that copy/paste function.
A much better summary of events can be found here and here But in essence what this means is that the CPS found it in the public interest to prosecute someone, based on that 1 tweet, and a history of doing nothing wrong what-so-ever. A policy which pretty much means that anyone who's ever used a Social Network of any sort in their life is in for a criminal record.
Luckily the public themselves have also decided that what is actually in their best interest, having footed the bill for the trial anyway, is to put their hands into their pockets once more, and also foot the bill for the fine and legal costs. What exactly that does to the CPS's wonderful version of 'Public Interest' is unknown. But in my world the public just put the CPS on trial and found them wanting in a pathetically embarrassing way.
Thursday, 4 March 2010
*ahem* I don't mean to be rude, but.....
Recently a woman was pushed onto the tracks at Farningham station for telling a man to stop smoking. Queue a hundred keyboard warriors rounding up some internet outrage and complaining about her being a fascist who deserved it. Yes, really. Don't bother to look it up, it'll only make your brain bleed.
Anyway, I have a better theory.
Let them smoke.
Let them smoke as much as they damn well like.
Reduce the price of cigarettes to 4 pence a pack, and give away free chewing gum and air freshener with every pack. Hell, make each cigarette play a happy little tune as it slowly burns down towards their pretty little yellow fingers.
Let them rejoice in their freedom, let them walk the streets safe in the knowledge that I can no longer walk behind them coughing loudly every time I get a face full of their lungs.
Why?
Simple:
I've seen people dying of cancer, it's fucking horrible. But in 60 years time when these idiots are looking 90 years older, breathing through a whole in their throat, lying there, barely able to move or speak, there's going to be that one beautiful moment where I go skipping past the window, pockets bulging with the thousands of pounds I never spent on cigarettes, as I make my way to some apocalyptic late life crisis, and finish myself off with the worlds largest recorded heart attack!
Then, and ONLY then, if they can sit there and muster the strength to tell me that they were right, that we were being cruel, heartless Nazis, will I concede the point. Until then.....*cough* *cough cough cough* *cough cough*.............*cough*
Anyway, I have a better theory.
Let them smoke.
Let them smoke as much as they damn well like.
Reduce the price of cigarettes to 4 pence a pack, and give away free chewing gum and air freshener with every pack. Hell, make each cigarette play a happy little tune as it slowly burns down towards their pretty little yellow fingers.
Let them rejoice in their freedom, let them walk the streets safe in the knowledge that I can no longer walk behind them coughing loudly every time I get a face full of their lungs.
Why?
Simple:
I've seen people dying of cancer, it's fucking horrible. But in 60 years time when these idiots are looking 90 years older, breathing through a whole in their throat, lying there, barely able to move or speak, there's going to be that one beautiful moment where I go skipping past the window, pockets bulging with the thousands of pounds I never spent on cigarettes, as I make my way to some apocalyptic late life crisis, and finish myself off with the worlds largest recorded heart attack!
Then, and ONLY then, if they can sit there and muster the strength to tell me that they were right, that we were being cruel, heartless Nazis, will I concede the point. Until then.....*cough* *cough cough cough* *cough cough*.............*cough*
Thursday, 25 June 2009
The real thing
To say its been a while is a little like saying Jupiter is bigger than a duck. But rather than apologise I'll ignore that, use the preceding as a literary reference test, and stroll on in the general direction of the point.
The other week while unconsciously drooling on a night bus at 'it's light already o'clock' I had the pleasure of a younger, more arrogant guy deciding that it was time for a chat. 15 or so tedious minutes later, which saw me painfully having to reduce myself to relating to such gems as "I reckon I could get her into bed" and it was time to go. But not before I'd learnt been reminded of something. You see junior decided to show off and tell me he was a club promoter, and so spent his entire life chatting to beautiful women (in fairness telling him I worked in IT did pretty much leave the door wide open). A few vomiting inducing minutes later and it became more and more apparent that what slick actually meant was; I spend my nights giving out flyers in Leicester square, and irritating passers by. Now, to put this in perspective that's a little like me saying I'm Jesus, when in fact I just have long hair and forgot to shave for a few weeks.
The other week while unconsciously drooling on a night bus at 'it's light already o'clock' I had the pleasure of a younger, more arrogant guy deciding that it was time for a chat. 15 or so tedious minutes later, which saw me painfully having to reduce myself to relating to such gems as "I reckon I could get her into bed" and it was time to go. But not before I'd learnt been reminded of something. You see junior decided to show off and tell me he was a club promoter, and so spent his entire life chatting to beautiful women (in fairness telling him I worked in IT did pretty much leave the door wide open). A few vomiting inducing minutes later and it became more and more apparent that what slick actually meant was; I spend my nights giving out flyers in Leicester square, and irritating passers by. Now, to put this in perspective that's a little like me saying I'm Jesus, when in fact I just have long hair and forgot to shave for a few weeks.
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