Tuesday, 19 February 2013

The 12 best things about being tall

Apparently there are 32 bad things about being tall, which, for the Hobbits amongst you, you can find here, if you need to feel better about your tiny little lives.

Unsurprisingly, and despite those being largely, well, true, there are a truck load of benefits of being tall. Which, for the sake of your education, and my own overblown sense of superiority, I'll run through now!

1) It doesn't matter how confident the other guy is, their threats are never going to be anything other than hilarious.

Ever had that worrying moment when a group of "young people," as I believe they're called, take one look at you from a distance, size you up, pull up their hoods and masks and walk over? I have, a few times. And then they got closer, and closer, and I watched them visibly shrink before me, and slip off quietly to the other side of the road. Threats therefore, are always going to be funny. Pick on someone your own size Frodo.

2) Gig tickets are 100% value for money

When I spend £50 on a gig ticket, I get to both hear AND see the band. What is it like seeing your favorite bands through the back of another persons head anyway? I have, over the years, bent down to other peoples levels at gigs to see what it's like a fair few times. As a result I have literally no idea why any you bothered buying tickets. The words "restricted view" mean nothing to me.

Look, it's a band, and they're playing music! How many times have you seen that? Exactly. None.

3) Clothes shopping is really efficient

On average how much time do you spend shopping for clothes? Trying stuff on? Making decisions on what to get? Do you know what I do? I use the following conversation:

Me: "Excuse me, what's the longest leg length you do?"
Shopkeep: "34"
Me: "Thanks, bye."

Job done. Off to the Pub.

As for if they say 36"? Well, then it's still a job done. I have saved hours of my life on this fact alone.

4) Studies have shown that taller people progress further in their careers, and faster than their shorter counterparts

Yup, it's true. In fact the biggest problem I have right now as I type this is the fact that my mattress that I happen to be sitting on is a little lumpy as a result of the VAST QUANTITIES OF CASH STUFFED INTO IT, such is the enormity of my earning potential.

5) Air travel, is indeed shit. Initially.

Until you request an upgrade as you don't fit in the seat. At which point the airline will probably say something along the lines of; "You know you could have paid extra for the premium seats." Which you immediately follow with the statement "Why am I being charged more due to my height, that's a form of discrimination," and BOOM! Welcome to Business class.

6) Easily being found.

Every time I go to, well, anything, there is one simple plan; meet by me. What does this mean? I am always in the right place. By definition it's completely impossible for me not to be. I can't even get in trouble for it if people can't find me. Nobody panics, nobody has a tired panic because they can't find their friends. The whole event is made better for everyone because of me.

7) I walk faster than all of you

Why? Because not only do I have long legs, but I can see the gaps in the crowd, so while you lot are bumping into each other and going nowhere, I've already got where I'm going, stuck the kettle on, and made myself a nice cup of tea. Let me know when you catch up.

8) You can, quite legitimately, completely ignore small people

Now, this can be delicate, but to put it bluntly, I genuinely don't notice a lot of people until they either speak, or I've walked into them. It's not deliberate, always, but it's completely true. Sorry my little leprechaun friends, but you're either going to need to put a flashing light on your head, or pay attention to where you're going. As for the line "why don't you look where you're going!?!" Well, I was, what I wasn't doing was staring at the floor, so please, tell me again what your point was?
An artists rendition of my recent stroll down Oxford St.

9) Walk tall, walk straight ahead, and the seas will part

You've probably been told that if you walk and act with confidence people will naturally move around you. Well, that goes double for tall people. Head up, walk straight forward with confidence and I have genuinely seen people leap out of my way. I, boys and girls, am basically a modern day Moses!

10) You can never hear people at parties. If you want to.

Everyone alive has been in this situation. You're at a party, and you've found yourself next to the terminal bore of the evening. A couple of minutes of being generally polite to someone has turned into the kind of experience that makes you want to take a Cheese Grater to your eardrums and scour away at your hearing forever more. Feigned deafness, is, frankly bloody handy. It breaks a conversation's flow, throws off the other party, and basically offers you escape routes a-plenty. If I've ever done this to you, well, then this is awkward.

11) Being heralded as a God in Asia

I was once mobbed by a group of 50 Vietnamese businessmen at Ha-Long Bay who insisted on having their picture taken with me and measuring themselves against me. It might have been a little random, but it was stupidly entertaining. Similar, if somewhat more restrained, experiences also took place in Thailand and Laos. As for Japan, well, I'm just going to walk around Tokyo in a few weeks wearing a Dinosaur mask. Trust me, you'll hear about it :-)

12) Everything they said about the size of someones feet is completely true.

My shoes are also fucking huge.