Consider this a cut out and keep guide. Feel free to add your own rules.
- You shall never, under any circumstances take a giant wheely bag onto any form of rush hour transport. Anyone caught doing this will have their bags kicked over and their possessions trampled on. There are no exceptions. There are no excuses. And at no point will you have a legitimate reason to be annoyed when it happens to you.
- Discounting the blind, it might be wise to notice that the other 7.5 million people in London have figured out that you’re supposed to stand on the right of the escalator. Not being able to grasp this concept is up there with offering tap dancing lessons in a suspiciously empty field in Cambodia, and should be punishable by death.
- Never, EVER, stop dead in the middle of a train, tube, or bus station, on Oxford Street, or anywhere else with more than 5 people around. I will be moving faster than you, and I won’t be stopping to compensate for the fact that putting one foot in front of the other and getting out of everyone’s way is a concept too complicated for you to grasp.
- Cyclists. If you want to cycle in London fine. Just understand one thing, owning a bike does not make you Jesus, although apparently it might make you blind. You do have to stop at traffic lights, you don’t get to cut corners, and if you get hit by a bus I can guarantee you that you won’t be coming back to life 3 days later! I also won’t care. Think of it as natural selection.
- Chuggers; have some free advice. Get a proper job, donate everything you earn over your chugging pay to a charity, keep that warm fuzzy feeling that you get inside by working for the greater good, and watch as your popularity skyrockets with the knowledge that the rest of London no longer wants to see you flayed alive and fed to the Queens Corgi’s!
- Beggars. There’s no such thing as a homelessness hostel in the entirety of the UK that you have to pay for. Fact. Just admit that you want the money for drink/drugs or, on a rare occasion, food. I’m still not going to give you any, but at least I’ll think better of you for it.
- Tube workers. The only people in London who make cyclists appear popular. 35 days holiday, 4 day working weeks, 300 strike days a year, and the combined intellect of a brain damaged Chihuahua. Incompetence isn’t a competitive sport, but thanks for trying!
- Train/tube passengers. You bought one ticket, ergo you get one seat. It doesn’t mean you can dump your bags, lunch, Taiwanese mail order bride, or your fat over lapping arse on the seat next to you as well! And while I’m at it click here . Get it?
- Chav’s playing music on their mobile phones. Do you honestly think that playing anything out of cheap shitty speakers into your crotch is going to sound good? You’re already wearing a baseball cap over your hoodie, in the summer, with your trousers down by your ankles. We can tell you’re a cunt by looking at you, you really don’t need to advertise it any more.
- Street Preachers. On average, how many people do you think are converted to any religion via the medium of irritation?
“You’re going to hell”
“No I’m not”
“Convert to [insert obscure, probably child molesting, branch of otherwise generic religion here] and be saved”
“Heretics will suffer for all eternity”
“No they won’t”
“Yes they will!”
“Crikey. Where do I sign?”
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
And while I’m here which bastard keeps selling you those damned megaphones?